Undefending

"Mooooooooooom!!! They're teasing me! They're saying I have fits!"
"You do have fits, Princess."
"Yeah, but they're making me feeeeeel bad!"
"If you feel bad, don't have them. You have fits because that's what you want to do. You want the attention you get when you have them. You are in charge of them. Quit whenever you feel like it. But don't expect your brother and sisters and me to enjoy them with you."

The weird thing about these conversations (well, except that no one normal ever has them), is that they're working. Even two months ago, I couldn't say things like that. They'd either be tuned out or cause escalation. After I said it, Princess paced around dis regulated and tried to further engage her siblings, so I dragged her up to her room and sat between her and the exit. When she tried to pass me I set her in my lap and let her struggle, but (loosely) didn't let her out. I mean, she wanted to be there, anyway, really. After she was sitting quietly picking her cuticles, I said, "I wonder why your brother and sister are teasing you? I wonder what could be frustrating for them? I wonder what you could be doing that would bother them so much?" And I waited.

"I scream at them and throw things at them and tell them I'm going to hurt them."

These declarations of responsibility are only the summer-old. And what is even newer than that, is there are no false starts. No claiming to not know, no suggesting rock-bottom stupid things like she had a blue popsicle. Just admission.

So I told her something hard to say. I told her she's been screaming and throwing things at us for four years. Almost every day. I told her Buddy and company aren't going to play with her just because she exists. And that every time she screams or threatens or throws things, she'll make it worse. And I told her that the only way she's going to get their trust and their company back is by playing alone for a while. Maybe a lot. And when they see that she can play alone calmly, without coming to find them and picking fights, they'll start including her again. But it's her job to look calm and fun. It's not their job to include her.

I even know that it wouldn't take much for them to include her. They have loving hearts. But they. are. tired. They practically live in a war zone, and I am amazed at what they will tolerate and forgive. I will not force them to include her with what they already endure.

But I did ream them. After my talk with Princess, she went down to draw armed with warnings about what choices she would not have if she couldn't get along in a family space. The others were playing in Buddy's room. I won't make them include Princess, but they had been literally stalking her in a mean spirited way. I understand they're worn, but still, unacceptable. I told them so. And reminded them that Princess needs absolutely no help whatsoever being miserable; she does a good job of being that way herself. So if they're not going to be helpful, then get out of her way.

She still has almost daily rages, so I've had to get into the habit of looking around them, underneath them, through them for steps forward. I have to for my sanity. I have to find something. I think this is more than a small thing, though. It's been so frustrating for me to not be able to talk to her about her behavior. So this actuall communication? Is huge.