Stupid bookshelf.
Stupid stupid me.
Stupid stupid stupid RAD.
There were signs withing the first twelve hours of installing the bookshelf that it was all rolling downhill. But I hoped. I hoped we could ride out the irritability, the big feelings about having stuff, and eventually except the bookshelf's existance.
But by Monday it was gone.
The crabbies kept getting crabbier, the crazies kept getting crazier. On the way home from swim Princess mispronounced "estoy," so no one understood what she was saying. She kept getting madder and madder that everyone thought she said "stew," and then she asked me, and I tried my best, but she really did say "stew," there was no way around it. And she let everything go to pot over accidentally saying "stew." Even though no one cared. By the time we got to our street she had Peanut pinned to the seat by her hair. I made her get out of the car in the driveway and walk up to the house. She refused, I threatened, she waited until the last possible second to get into the house and of course it wasn't fast enough, so I sent her to her room. And pretty soon I heard the thump thump thump of the bookshelf getting slammed into the wall.
Goodbye bookshelf.
Goodbye nice Princess.
It's been six days, every one worse than the last.
My heart is totally broken.
The first two days, I'd get a physical reaction when she'd start to rage. I'd shake. The next two days I felt so depressed I was moving in slow motion. And now I've adjusted, but I'm having the hardest time bringing myself to be therapeutic. I'm so ANGRY. At everything. All over again. I'm doing everything wrong, and I can't kick myself into doing it right. I feel like I'm starting over. I wonder if it woudn't be better if we never had the two good weeks. Everything is back. The pe-e. The lying. The rages. The fussing complete with artfully perfected Most Annoying Noises Known to Man. Hours upon hours of pretending to not know what odd and even numbers are. And it's sooooo well-done. Yesterday Josh said, "I don't know, she's letting Peanut explain even and odd numbers, and she looks like she really might not understand." I said, "don't be fooled Josh. Don't cave." She worked on that page for two hours, circling every non-odd or non-even number possible. Then suddenly she decided she wanted to be done. Zzzt zzzt zzzt zzzt zzzt. Everything correct. Two minutes.
See?
Stupid bookshelf.
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Ugg! Praying this storm passes quickly.
ReplyDeleteAll aboard the crazy train, all aboard the crazy train, all aboard the crazy train, all aboard, all aboard! (Hang in there, girl.. You are not alone!)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry! I can't imagine what you're going through. I will pray for YOU! Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteIt's crazy... you do sometimes feel like it's not worth having the good times 'cause the bad times slam back into you with such force that you cannot even remember happiness and joy. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeletePeace
Oh, yeah for RAD! NOT!! Indeed, we're all on the crazy train...and since we must be there, I'm just so very thankful we don't have to do it alone.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up, though. The temptation to do so is so very strong, I know. But, this is TRAUMA talking. It's not a reflection on the MAMA. The bad days suck so very much. Yes, they do. But give yourself credit for doing what precious few in this world actully would.
At least you know where she can be and what drives her backwards. Even though trauma SUCKS BUCKETS, think of this little exercise as a scientific experiment. There was a need, a hypothosis was formed, and an experiement was conducted. It sounds to me like it was a pretty successful one, too. You had a theory about what was causing her undue stress. You acted on it, and things got better. When the stressor was reintroduced, they got worse again.
Bing, bada bing! Now you have proof and you know for sure that what you're doing to try to help her ISN'T off base, it ISN'T mean or abusive, and that your intuition didn't fail you. So big deal. The bookshelf lives in another room. If you got her stable once before, she'll stabilize again. And when she does, just reintroduce things in smaller and more incremental doses. That's exactly how you expand the tolerance window.
Don't get discouraged if she blows it again...or if you do. It's going to happen. Just reel her back in again, go back to the basics, let the dust settle, and try again.
I know that sounds so trite. Believe me, I KNOW all to well the level of emotion that is lurking behind all of this. I've been there. It felt like ever part of my being was laced with TNT and if I were to explode, look out international space station! I'm coming to knock you out of orbit.
But really...it's not about a bookshelf. It's not about a word. It's not about numbers. It's about exhaustion, and crazy crap and being mad at RAD and trauma and those who hurt your kids and that even though she "looks" so adorably normal, she isn't. It's about stolen innocence, a family turned upside down,a heart that was shattered way too young, and fear that this will never, ever change. See it for what it is and it really will help things look a little less daunting.
Just an off the wall question...would it matter what the piece of furniture was? Or is the bookshelf or the stuff that's on it the actual trigger? By that I mean (and I absolutely don't expect an answer to this question!!) was there something that happened to her, some trauma incident, that involved a bookshelf? Did someone knock one over on top of her in a drunken rage? Was she forced to hide behind a bookcase for protection? Did she get beaten for wanting to play with a toy or a book that was sitting on it? Maybe it's something that regularly lives on this particular bookshelf that't triggering her? Cout THIS be the reason she's banging it - to express her own anger at it (aka the trauma)? Just thinking out loud...
(HUGS!!) Hope things get better for you today.
@Diana- Seriously, you made tears stream down for about the eighth time today. In a good way. You're so dead. on.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your question, I only know a few trigger, and none of them are a bookshelf, but who knows- there's so much I'll never know unless Princess tells me. But I don't think it has anything to do with the shelf per se; I think it has to do with "having stuff". One of our reasons for moving was so Princess could have her own room and we could strip it down. And things have been much better. But you know how much a RAD mom wants normal. I was hoping I could start decorating and being pretty. I went too fast. And now I'm paying.
Thanks everyone for commenting.
Ahhh, Kerrie. I'm so sorry. Wish I could hug you right now.
ReplyDeleteBookshelf IS stupid.
RAD IS stupid.
You are not.
You have a light within you that reaches beyond the face of RAD and sees Princess's true potential. Sure that light is a little dim right now, you have been pulled through the ringer! Don't doubt your judgment and capabilities! There seems to be no reward or payoff or even appreciation right now, but God sees everything and He knows. The reward will come.
Sort of like if someone records the Superbowl on their DVR. Before they get a chance to watch it, they find out that their team won! Yay! They sit down to watch the recorded game with a knowing and confident attitude. They don't jump up and down over every bad play, and they do not yell in frustration at the TV over every unfair call. They sit back and relax knowing THEIR team has prepared and worked hard. They are confident and calm knowing that no matter what happens during the game, in the end their team is victorious.
We can only watch the game in this earth life in real time, but God knows the ending. He knows you will be victorious. Yes, things are often unfair and perhaps there are some bad plays, but God has prepared you for His team! He's given you strength and tenacity, and it will all be okay in the end. You will be victorious. You'll see.
Love and big hugs from me.
OH sucky suck. I am so sorry. I know all too well the feeling you get when your little one hits bottom AGAIN. But she got to a good place and that means it is in there and will come out again. Remember- you didn't cause her problems, it's you who is working for healing.
ReplyDelete