Loving the Scarred Ears and the Too-Small Backpack

As I was combing Peanut's hair, she asked, "can I get my ears pierced Mom? I know it'll hurt- I'll be brave. Can I?"

I'm kind of ambivilant about ear-piercing, so I had decided that when they were old enough to ask, they were old enough to have them pierced. So I said, "sure; let me find out when the store has one person for each ear. Maybe this weekend."

(Scene fades; colors blur; camera pans to the right)

Once upon a time there was a princess in foster care. She desperately wanted her ears pierced "like Mom's" and asked permission at regular intervals starting at age four. Foster Mom's reply was always, "It would be great to match, wouldn't it? I really wish I could say yes. But I'm not allowed to say yes or no unless your last name matches mine." Two years past, and suddenly on a Friday the magical and elusive Legal Guardianship Fairy descended and matched the princess's last name to the Mom's, removing (but not really) the "Foster" part while she was at it. The princess said, "Mom! I can get my ears pierced now!" and the mom said, "and so you shall!" The glittering horse-drawn Suburban deposited the family at the Ear Piercing Store, where the princess's ears were pierced with great ceremony.

However, what the mom had conveniently forgotten was that the combing of the princess's hair and the brushing of the princess's teeth were daily battles that, if the mom was not careful, culminated with the princess wailing, screaming, and thrashing on the floor while the mom sat on her trying in vain to perform various important rituals of hygiene. The mom failed to connect the dots and realize that ear-piercing required the dreaded enemy Hygiene as well.

Needless to say, the novelty of caring for the piercing soon grew dim, and the mom grew weary of sidestepping tantrums and loud noises. The mom taught the princess to care for her own ears, but again, the novelty waned, leaving the princess with constantly swollen, infected, oozing, and painful earlobes.

The king of the land soon issued an edict that no longer would the king and queen be forced to Look Bad by the swollen and pussy earlobes, and the saga of the Ear Piercing of the Princess came to an end.

(Scene fades; camera returns to present day)

The Princess of the land, who had been lurking in the hallway, lept out and shouted, "can I get my ears pierced too?"

Ummmmmmmmm.

"Yeah. Princess, that didn't go so well last time. Do you remember? You didn't want me to take care of them, so you laid down on the floor and screamed and kicked me whenever I tried."

"NO!!!!"

"And so I taught you how to do it, and you tried to trick me into thinking you took care of them by throwing a dry cotton ball into the waste basket every morning."

"NO!!!!"

"And so they were red and sore all the time, and Dad and I told you that if they got infected one more time we would take out the earrings and let the holes heal closed."

"NO!!!!"

"And you said ok, but you still wouldn't take care of them and they got infected again so we took out the earrings and now the holes are closed up."

"My backpack's too small. Can you buy me another one?"

Um.

"I'm not sure that the problem is that your backpack's too small. I think it might have something to do with that you've got a change of clothes, a sweatshirt, a jacket, and your winter coat in there in addition to your homework and your lunch box."

"It's tooooooooo smaaaaaaaaaaaaaall!!!!

"Well, honey, I guess you can figure it out however you like, but I won't be buying another backpack until next fall."

"RAAAAAAAH!!!!"

So, at this point I slap myself upside the head remembering that the backpack is not the issue. The issue is all the lies Princess is throwing around in her head at the moment:

• I am bad. I can't let anyone find out.
• Crap. Everyone knows the earring debacle was my fault. I need to find a way to make them forget.
• I am bad. I can't let anyone find out.
• Everyone gets everything they want except me. It's not fair.
• I am bad. I can't let anyone find out.
• Mom loves Peanut more than she loves me.
• I am bad. I can't let anyone find out.

I said, "Oh Princess. I love you so much. I love you with pierced ears and I love you without pierced ears. I love you when you take care of your body and when you don't. Nothing can make my love for you go away."

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!"

And this was where I broke into song. Whenever she opened her mouth. I said to Josh, "thank goodness all that musical theater experience in high school didn't go to waste."

He said, "or something."