"Mom, how does the Tooth Fairy fly through the air?"
"How do YOU think?"
"I think moms do it."
"But how can a Mom be a Tooth Fairy?"
"Good moms are lots of things, Princess."

Monday, May 23, 2011


*the sound of a gargle of extreme frustration

Have they isolated the genome for perverseness yet? Because the second they do, I am there with my handy hypodermic syringe, I tell you. I will suck that puppy out of my child on a moment's notice.

Princess is getting into increasingly more trouble at school. It happens every year at this time, I think because the work is getting too hard and her already teetering self-esteem is getting hit too hard. But every year it's getting more serious, and it's hard to not fear for what's next.

The girls Princess chooses to call "friends" are the well-behaved, very likeable, academically and extra-curricularly strong girls. But then there are the ones she calls "sometimes friends." These are girls who are mean, then fakey-nice, then mean again, and Princess cannot read the nice as fake. She also learns only very slowly by consequences, so every time the girl is nice, Princess figures she won't be mean again. Princess also HAAAAAATES conflict (until she snaps), so when a girl who's been fakey-nice is mean again, Princess can't leave her alone; she literally hounds her to change her mind.

And so, the Bus Incident. On the way back from Field Day, Princess sat on the bus next to Fakey-Nice Mean Girl. Chose to sit there. This is a verified fact. The other verified fact is that Princess slapped Fakey- Nice Mean Girl in the face. Everything in between is hearsay and conjecture, and is disagreed upon between Josh and myself.

The story I heard was that third-graders were making her feel dumb by asking her math questions.

The story Josh got was that third-graders were asking her hard math question and laughing at her for not knowing the answers. Then Fakey-Nice Mean Girl put her hand over Princess's mouth, and Princess slapped her.

Josh's side is that Princess so rarely defends herself in a bullying-type situation that if Fakey-Nice Mean Girl was physical first, it's not such a big deal (in our opinion) that Princess slapped her.

However. I have yet to hear Princess tell about something that happened without leaving out as much as possible that makes her look bad. So this is what I suspect is the most probable version:

Either Princess or the Third Graders said something challenging about multiplication and the other party reciprocated. A Third Grader eventually said, "oh yeah, you don't know what 8x4 is!" and Princess put her hands on her hips and waggled her head at them and said, "yes I do!" They said, "what is it then," and Princess gave the wrong answer. The Third Graders and Fakey-Nice Mean Girl laughed at Princess for not knowing the answer. The Third Graders laughing was one thing, but Fakey-Nice Mean Girl laughing was another, so Princess uttered a bunch of angry-sounding-hyper-nonsense with her mouth half an inch away from Fakey-Nice Mean Girl's face, and Fakey-Nice Mean Girl put her hand over Princess's mouth. And Princess slapped her.

See how that works? It's happened at home dozens of times.

It happened at home this morning. Princess came downstairs and said something to Peanut and the Cuddle Bear, and Peanut said her breath stank. It was just being mean (mostly), and I told them to stop. But Princess wouldn't stop. She kept trying to get them to say her breath didn't stink. I called her out of the room twice to remind her that she heard me tell them to stop, they stopped, and it was time for her to stop as well. Each time she went back in the kitchen, sat and inch away from one of them, and tried again to make them say her breath didn't stink. The third time I called her out, Peanut smirked. When Princess when back in the room, she slapped Peanut in the face.

But she smiled at me!
I know but
She was saying I stink!
I told her to stop, rem-
She smiled at me!
It's my turn to talk now.

Princess. It's not ok to hit someone for smirking. Ever. If you can't stay away from someone who's bothering you, then I have to help you stay away from someone who's bothering you. Get a book and go hang out in your room.

It's your turn to talk now.

Silence. Because Princess only likes to talk to me if I'm already talking. Or sometimes if I'm listening to someone else.

Go then.
Buuuuuut sheeeeeeeee smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiled at meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Later, I tried to process with her. I told her that if she couldn't walk away, she was going to be the one to end up in trouble. And she replied,

but everyone always blaaaaaaaaames meeeeeeeeeeee!

Yeah. They do. Because you're the one who hits.

Bring me the syringe.


  1. Me to. I want the syrum, too, and I am at the other end of the spectrum on several different levels.

    My sons are 19 months apart. The younger, the Smirker, is 6'3 and 250 lbs and just turned 17. The elder, the Slapper, is graduating from high School in 2 days. He is 6'2 and 215 pounds. This has been going on for as long as I can remember, although not very often. Maybe 3 times a year.

    I try not to get in the middle anymore.

    However, I recently threatened to call 911. Not fun, not fun at all.

    You are in my heart, Kerrie.

  2. Well, school will be out soon.

    I know, that doesn't help. But it makes my day suck less to remember it.

  3. Oh, my. You just described me as a child. I felt always justified. Always that my parents took "their side" and never mine. Always that only I could see the injustices of the world that so many others were blind to. Always hated conflict - but then snapped - and never understood why people always said I "loved to stir up drama."