We Left. And Came Back

Two weeks ago, something happened.

Something so incredible that I'm still not convinced I didn't dream it. Because I do have very realistic dreams. Sometimes it takes me days to realize an incident didn't really happen. I'm still working on the one I had after watching an episode of V; the birth of my alien baby was very, very realistic, and I was so worried no one would accept her for who she was. Anyway.

Josh's aunt e-mailed saying that she had cruise tickets she wasn't going to use, and if we could get babysitting and swing the plane ticket, she'd see if she could get them transferred.

"There's no way," I said to Josh. "None. We have four kids. They are loud."
Josh said, "but don't you want to try?"
Sheesh. Yeah. I guess so.

I made some phone calls, and our former neighbor actually CALLED BACK and said that she suspected she might be certifiable, but she'd come stay with the kids for the week.

Really? Are you kidding me? Because that would be cruel.

So Josh e-mailed his aunt, and she replied that she couldn't get the tickets transferred, so she decided she'd go after all and she bought us tickets.

Um. See, the thing is, that stuff never happens in real life. That's the kind of stuff that happens to other people. Someone's third cousin's friend's sister.

So, without me truly believing it was happening, I found myself ALONE WITH MY HUSBAND on a plane, and then on a really freaking huge ship. In the ocean.

ALONE. For seven days. Seven. A week. ALONE.

So we did this:

(actually, that's Josh's aunt. But you can pretend it's me, because I overcame my irrational bird fear and did it too. I thought this picture was me, in fact, until I realized I hadn't worn shorts because I was terrified birds would peck my knee caps)

and this:

and a whole heck of an awful lot of this:

And it was wonderful. I even still have some residual relaxation left in my system.

However, one can only live without a purpose in life for so long. We came home. And that was wonderful, too. The kids obviously missed us, but weren't anxious or worried. Buddy knocked me down and sat on my head while Peanut and the Cuddle Bear squealed and tried to say everything at once. Peanut read me the letter she wrote us while we were gone,* and Princess even moved in signaling hug-wanting. It was nice to be missed.

But, as every Trauma Mama well knows, re-entry is a female dog for breeding purposes. I'm actually quite shocked at how little aftermath I've seen from Peanut. A LOT of talking. The first day. And that's it. Even Princess has been able to control a teensy bit of herself, which is h-uge. But, you know:

1. Us leaving. Trigger. Someone else in charge. Trigger.
2. Josh's birthday is today, less than a week after return. We no likey other people's birthdays. Because they are not ours. And Josh's birthday is a huge hairy deal because it's
3. Ten days before Princess's birthday. AAAAAAGH! AAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAGH! Princess's birthday is a mine field. Birthdays often are for these kids, but pair that with that her third birthday was right before she came to us; she didn't get to bring her presents with her, plus her fourth birthday was during reunification, both families were under extreme stress, and reunification efforts "ended" a week later; she didn't get to bring her presents with her, and you get BLAMO!!!! Good times. Good times.

There has been almost constant stick-poking this week. The other night she came out of the pantry three times claiming she "just didn't know what to have for a treat." When she disappeared the fourth time, I said to Josh,
"watch out. She's up to something."
"What do you mean?"
"She going on and on and ON about how she can't find a treat. It's going to blow."

And....sure enough. After asking for "help" from both of us and getting two separate, "you know, if it's so hard to find sugar to eat, perhaps you are not so interested in eating it," the scream-fest ensued. It was just an excuse. The anxiety is so high, and I'm sure screaming seems the best way to let it out.

We remind her that we know she is scared. We remind her that we are not leaving for good. We take deep breaths.

Because we are relaxed, after all. Ya mon.





*I Love You Mom and Dad. From Peanut to mom and Dad. we all mist you all varer much. We did when you wer gone we went to a frind's hose for a sleep over. we wennt to a nutr sleep over we had fun. We had riley fun at all the sleep over's at arer freinds hose. We love you verey much we mise you I love you. and how was youre vakin on the ship was it a litler skarey or fun I hope you had a nice day on the ship will you go on the ship agan if you do agan I will mis you verey much I love you evey time.