AC Day Three; Things Are Getting Interesting

Here is today's chart. No new levels of chart sophistication have been reached.

Because I overreacted yesterday, "shut up" was the first gun Princess pulled out this morning. But I was ready.

"Oh, Princess, thank-you! I love it when you tell me what you need! I know it's really hard for you to say, "Mommy, I would rather not have any special fun or extra treats today," so you used secert code! Good job!"

"NO!!!!! I DIDN'T SAY THAT!!!!!"

"But, yes you did, Princess. You told me to shut up. "Shut up" is secret code for "No thank-you, Mommy; special fun and extra treats would be too much for me today. I'd rather just have the things I really need, like meals and clothes and hugs."

She stood there. With a horrified look on her face. Bingo.

So she did not have a particularly nice morning. She had to tell Peanut she threw Peanut's things around their room. I had her hand Peanut each item for Peanut to inspect, and had Peanut tell Princess what Princess could do to make it right. Princess ended up cleaning a doll, gluing a jewelery box, and picking up the room (the scratches on Peanut's speakers could not be removed). However, Peanut was really very upset about the jewelery box, and crawled onto my lap and cried. I told her to tell Princess how she felt. And she did. And she did not mince words.

This incident set up the next two hours, because I think Princess felt bad. Unfortunately, Princess cannot yet express that she feels sorry for her actions. Instead she blames others for the bad feeling inside her. Loudly.

So I had Princess spend some time playing in her room. We all had lunch, then I called her down to fix herself a cheese sandwich. Then I offered her the opportunity to restore some of the energy she has sucked from me like a vampire on acid by helping me clean out the Suburban. Which she took. Sort of.

HOWEVER! Did you see the hug section? Twelve! Despite all this! Rockstar!!!

The bonding activity is blank. I really thought I was going to hit them all today, but the Mom Time took it out of me. I invited Princess to pot some plants for her teachers with me for Mom Time. She said yes, turned around, went in the house, and didn't come back out. For fifteen minutes. Then she came out in high-heeled white shoes. The ones she is not allowed to play outside in. And she said, "I'm ready!"

"No."

She turned around, went in, and put on her tennis shoes.

"I'm ready!" I said, "well, I've spent most of your mom time sitting here by myself. But I guess we could do one."

After that, I honestly could not muster a bonding activity.

But later she said something voluntarily about telling me to shut up, and I asked her if she would talk with me about that a little. She agreed. I helped her list everything she lost out on by speaking disrespectfully to me. She actually got most of them. I suggested she think of a way to stop herself the next time she wants to say it. I braced myself for, "not do it," "stop doing it," "don't do it," or something as equally deep and useless. But instead she said, "take my five deep breaths." Shocked, I said, "that might work." I said, "I think you'll want to use that idea, because saying shut up is expensive for you. You lost a lot today."

She said, "you mean you'll take something every time I tell you to shut up?"

I said, "no. You'll lose everything if you tell me to shut up any times."

We finished up, and she stood up,


and she hugged me. With both arms. And her head touching me. And with squeezing.

I wouldn't let go.

And I didn't even count that one! Rockstar!

AC Day Two: Not So Good, Either

Saturdays are always pretty rife with fuss in these parts. We don't likey change, and Saturday is always different. Today it was a car show. I figured, great; we can hold hands at the car show! Bonding Activity! Ok, I know it's a little lame; it's not like it's really a "game," or "fun." But I hit the pool with my tippy toes, so I figured it was as good a start as any.

Unfortunately, there was a problem in the car on the way there, and it's name was Buddy is Licking His Lips at Me. As we parked, I tried to have Princess brainstorm things SHE had control over, as screaming STOOOOOOP!!!! WAAAAAAAH!!!! at Buddy did not seem to be achieving her desired results. As always, the results of her brainstorming session were I don't knows and shoulder shrugs. But when Josh told her they'd be waiting for us outside, take her time, she came up with "ignore him." I gave her some pizazz and thumbs up for that nugget, none of which was received well. So we were not off to a good start on the hand-holding. The walk from parking to the show is responsible for the claw marks and scratches on my hand- the type of thing that happens when someone is trying to pry their hand out of yours. Finally I said, "I tell you what. I'll make you a deal. You hold my hand for ten minutes, and then you can do whatever (the h@&&) you want. The prying stopped. We walked around looking at car (after car after car after car), and I said, "Princess, I love holding your hand and being this close to you. You can choose now to walk on your own where you want, or you can choose to keep holding my hand."

She said, "I want to keep holding your hand."

And she did. For almost the whole time. And it was very sweaty. I was so happy.

It would be so nice if it ended there. Here is today's chart. Notice the slight added sophistication:

There are five neat tallies next to the H. Those were before and during the car show. The B was during the car show. The M is suspiciously empty. And then there are the undefined number of rather agressive tally marks.

Yeah.

There was this issue outside involving socks and shoes and the order in which they should or should not be involved with the wearing of roller blades. And things got a little nasty. Not a lot nasty. Just nasty enough to necessitate a short time out. Or, it would have been a short time out. If a certain member of royalty had opted to take it. But she didn't.

Long boring repetitive story short, there was a lot of screaming. A lot of throwing other people's things down the stairs. A lot of a particular mommy being called stupidhead and being told to shut up. A lot of pretending to believe earnestly that she really had done a good job picking up items from stairs, much convincing that said things were indeed invisible, and then a thorough job picking though the logic of how it could not possibly have been her who did it, despite that she was the only person actually inside the house. And there may have been an incident where a mommy who probably wasn't me may have actually ripped a swimsuit off a child who would not change it and would not stay within the boundaries the woman who probably wasn't me set. In the end, I decided that she really could not possibly spend another minute not with me.

And that's where the tallies come in. Because I think that cuddling, kissing, and stroking my kicking clawing fussing 48-pound seven-year-old daughter on my lap while calmly talking with my dinner company like everyone's day is like this is good for at least five hugs. Maybe ten.

I earned those tallies.

Stinkin' Attachment Challenge; Day One

Well, right after I wrote about needing to hug Princess more, Christine had to coincidentally go and be a big poop by issuing the Attachment Challenge which was, as one could imagine, met with much groaning and gnashing of teeth by the general RAD public. So here I am. Participating. Here is a picture of today's "chart:"

Um.

Ok, the thing over to the left is my magnetic dry-erase marker. The words are the last two items on this week's grocery list. They were out of sesame oil, by the way. What kind of supermarket is out of sesame oil?

The Post-it Note would be the chart. Those are the hugs I rolled out. And before you scoff, please keep in mind that this is my sad sad world record.

Where is the 10-minute Fun Bonding Activity?

Um.

Where is the 20-minute Whatever Princess Wants Me to do With Her?

Ummmmm.

Let's face it. I've got a LOT of excuses. And if I was going to make them, they'd sound like, "she got off the bus at 4:00 and I had to mow an acre of grass," and "seriously, people?" and, "it might not sound like it to a lot of people, but this stuff is haaaaaaaaard!" But I know they're just excuses and that this is not really anything I can't do, and, dang it Christine that 'she didn't choose this OR you, you know' phrase won't get out of my head!!!!! (pant....pant....pant....pant...)

And just to make myself look better, I'm counting bedtime as a bonding activity. We had a really good conversation about underarm hair.

Positively

So clearly I have been pushing Princess away lately. Josh voiced concern and the stinker is usually right. So. Lately every. Thing. I say. has been met with defiance, sneakery, and/or lies and I just got TIRED. I took off my therapeutic parent hat. If it were up to me, honestly, my favored method of discipline would be Crush With Cutting but Witty Sarcasm Until Said Child Withers Into a Compliant Mass of Gel. Sadly, this method has been historically documented to work with exactly no one. Time to put on the big-girl panties.

When I'm doing something wrong, the easiest thing to do is exactly the opposite. I decided to praise absolutely everything she did right. You'd be surprised how much there is when you start looking.

"Princess! You got dressed! Without me asking! Way to go!"

"Your hair looks nice this morning. I can tell you combed it and used conditioner."

"Woah! I've given you two directions so far and you did them BOTH without complaining! That must feel good."

"Check it out! I told you to get pants and underwear (for the extra clothing you used at school today- why? Why did you do that?) and you got a skirt and underwear! You followed part of my directions! That's great! Now you get to follow the rest of them!"

Plus, every time I praised her I got down and gave her a hug and a kiss. I want to be giving her ten hugs a day. I am highly embarrassed to say I struggle with my goal of five. Most days I hardly make three. It's stubborness on my part. Even though no one enjoys hugging a catus, sometimes cacti need hugs too, you know?

And, miracle of miracles, we had a pleasant evening. With a bedtime tantrum. But I read Eency Weency Spider in my best toddler-mommy voice and prayed Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and did my best to snuggle with a writing mass of clawing kicking entirely covered up by a comforter daughter. I'm not even sure what end of her body I was snuggling.

But feet need snuggles, too.

Who Keeps You Off the Edge?

Last night my neighbor called and invite me up "for whine." So I tossed the Cuddle Bear in bed, ran up the hill as fast as my little legs could carry me, and has a glass of whine. And some darned good reflective conversation. My neighbor has always looked out for me, ever since Buddy was born, and somehow she knew I needed to vent some steam. I guess the clue could have been my F*cebook tally of Princess time-outs Saturday. If you're interested, I got up to fifteen.

The end of a school year is always a reflection time for me anyway, and we got to talking about the first several months after placement. Her husband commented, "I remember what your church did for you," and my mind threw itself back there. So here is the support network; the amazing people who have surrounded me the past four years:

My church. It's very large and very multi-generational, and one of the most beautiful things I ever saw was how the older people of our congregation, people I had never had much contact with before, surrounded us, checked on us, and gave us diapers. Some of them even slipped me fives.

The woman who, after hearing of us from a mutual friend, offered to provide several hours of respite once a week. We fell in love with her, and even though it's just the Cuddle Bear home and I shower now, she still comes twice a month.

The aforementioned neighbors, who have made sure I was still alive.

The friend who had a brutally simple adoption from foster care. She gave me all the advice I asked for, then came over with baby bottles and a bassinet, laughing the entire time when I dumped it ALL and said yes to my girls.

Our families. They didn't ask for this. No one says, hey, we're thinking about adopting from foster care- how do you feel about that as a grandparent/aunt/uncle. Every one of them has been a good sport, even when they haven't understood. They've loved us. They've loved our children.

Friends who totally do not get it, but give me the benefit of the doubt and love me anyway.

My childrens' kindergarten teacher; excellent with all kids and a special heart for children with special needs.

Buddy's first-grade teacher, who does not get this at all, but cares about me and the children and is always good for a snarky laugh.

Princess's language therapist who has a sympathetic ear.

The girls' play therapist, who has gone above and beyond for me over these past four years in ways I would never have room to detail.



I don't know how far over the edge I would have gone if it were not for these people. Who are you keeping from jumping off the roof?

Vanilla Milk and Caramels

We've hit a rough patch. Again. Almost constant tantruming on Princess's part. Some tantruming on mine. It's probably due to the end of school wind-down; even Buddy is a mess. But Princess has upped the ante a bit and added in this fun game I like to call Do Absolutely Nothing Mommy Wants Me to Do and Pretend I Do Not Know She Wants Me to Do it. I tried to come up with something snappier, but the creative portions of my brain are a little overtaxed these days. The best part of this game is the disobedience is over very, very small things; so small that I am starting to appear crazy and controlling. This sensory-challenged (read- somewhat clumsy) child wore two-inch wedgie sandals to stack firewood, for instance. Or, she asks if I'm going to set the timer (yes) every. single. time I remind her to use the bathroom, and has a snit with some pretty teen-ager-y insults on my character when I won't answer or say something clever like, "hmm. You have to ask me because you just cannot remember. How frustrating that must be for you." It's getting really really old. And I'm having a harder time not being hurt or offended; she's always taken more out on me than on Josh, but lately it's become a Jeckyll/ Hyde thing. She will literally flip over to charming and chatty when Josh walks in. It's really disgusting. Blech. Bad taste in my mouth just thinking of it.

But.

She's been having a LOT of trouble getting along with the sibs lately, and this morning I had to pull her from the breakfast table and wait for everyone else to finish before she could go back. I put her face-down over my lap and explained that's what I did with Buddy and the Cuddle Bear when they were fussy as babies. I rubbed her back and reflected her complaints until she calmed. Then I picked her up and took her to the sofa.

I quit holding times a while back. Princess turned everything about it into a battle, refused eye contact, and it ALWAYS escalated her. It wasn't doing either of us any good. This time, she started off the usual way, but then the Cuddle Bear asked what I was doing. I said that I didn't get to hold Princess when she was a baby, so I was doing it now and I was really thankful Princess was letting me know she needed it. And Princess looked at my eyes. Well, eye. And she was only looking with one. But she was looking. Pretty soon she brought the other eye over too, and then I saw her pupils twitch back and forth the way they do when someone's trying to see inside you. Real eye contact.

So she clearly wants to bond. Break out the warm vanilla milk. Cheers!

Storm Fronts

Well, I think the storms blown back out. We had enjoyed a couple of days of Princess Pleasantness when Josh went and did it. I had taken some kids to soccer and he kept some with him, and when I got home he was tucking in Princess. However, when I took Peanut up to bed, things were clearly not well with Princess's soul. Princess came down about six times to tattle on Peanut, things like Peanut reading her book too loud or having too many stuffed animals. Then Peanut came down once to tattle on something legitimate like Princess dancing on her bed. Then Princess came down another six times. Finally Peanut came down and asked to sleep in her sleeping bag in my room (where the Cuddle Bear goes to sleep). I allowed her to, which did not sit well with Princess. Josh came back from the barn and I asked him what time I got home, and said whenever it was, it wasn't an early enough bedtime for Princess. He said,

"shoot. That must have been my fault."

Josh went on to say that after he read her a story, he commented on how well she'd been behaving and how pleasant she had been and how enjoyable she was to be around the past few days.

Deep. Long. Groan.

So, for the past four days she's been hell-bent on proving she will NOT behave and she is NOT pleasant, and she is NOT enjoyable to be around. And, boy, is she good at it.

She went at it strong from 9:00 this morning to 1:00 this afternoon. She's had eight time outs and a nap. She's pretended to not know where the dryer is, where her laundry basket is kept, what her clothing looks like, and where it goes. Somehow, and I haven't figured this one out yet, putting her laundry away involved taking much of Peanuts clothing out of the closet and burying it under Peanut's laundry. When required to put Peanut's clothing back in the closet, she lied, tantrumed, and lied again. She came clean when I insisted she think up her own consequence for the lie, but by then I was no longer asking if the job was done, so that didn't end up working out for her. The consequences she generated involved cleaning already clean rooms, so I assigned her the entryway. No likey. That was where the nap came in.

She was quite a bit more compliant when I went back up to get her; she did a good job on the entryway efficiently without complaining. But when she was done she found me and asked me if she could have a plum.

"Princess, I think before you ask me for stuff, you should probably do the stuff I asked you to do this morning. Check in with me after that, ok? Because I love to say yes to you."

"Can I go outside?"
"Princess, I thing before you ask me for stuff....blah blah blah blah blah."
"Can you tell me what it is?"
"That sounds like a mystery for you to solve, Princess! How fun! To find the clues, you'll have to think back to the job you lied about. Let me know when you've solved it."

Anyway, she went and did the rest of the stuff in about 20 minutes. It saddens me. Here she spent FOUR HOURS not doing something that would have taken ten minutes. And she needs to be outside. But if she's going to sabatoge herself, she GOING to do it, and there isn't always a whole lot I can do to stop her.

I did tell her at one point when she looked regulated enough to receive it, that the pressure was off. I said, "Princess, I know Daddy told you we were really enjoying being around you. I think you misunderstood something, though. We don't expect you to be enjoyable all the time. We know you're going to need to push us away and be unenjoyable. It's ok. We love you both ways. Be unenjoyable if you need to. We can take it. We'll still be here.